Sitting down thinking

I am currently sitting down a very comfortable chair. On the one you release all your inner stress on. This is where I usually smoke a cigarette to maximize the experience. But now, I'm here with my laptop writing.

Sitting down thinking
(Shoot the Man)

Maybe some people wonder why I write now, now that i'm sitting on a toilet seat. Well it's because I don't want to lose my trail of thought. I have just experienced what most dorks and geeks and losers experience during their puberty stages.

Denial...

I have been denied many things in life and I am ranting about it now.

For one, I have been denied a childhood. Imagine, I had tons of toys (transformers, GI Joe, Voltes V figurines to name a few), and at age five (5), my father (Felix) hid them all in a big balik-bayan box (if ever there was already during that time) and placed that box inside a cabinet far from my reach.

Felix: You are about to start school and you should stop playing...

STOP PLAYING!? I was a five year old kid for godsake. My Aunts and uncles and cousins gave me a few toys after that year and they were all confiscated by Felix. I felt bad. I felt really really bad.

So growing up until puberty I learned to enjoy myself and the toys that Felix never knew about in secret. I'd hide them under my bed or my sister's closet, or even at my friends' houses (although this would only mean my sense of ownership for my toys was meaningless).

I grew up not just hiding my toys from Felix, I also hid who I was.

The Empress always asks me "Why do I never hear any stories about your dad, it's always your mom?"

Well, this answers your question Empress. I've hated my father since I was five years old. Because until now, I have never understood why he did that to me.

Another instance is college. This is about a girl this time. A girl named Tulip.

Tulip was a simple girl. But she wasn't mine.

Well, I figure everyone reading this now realizes how this instance ends. So, i'll leave it at that.

...

I'm done... I've flushed all this angst down the toilet... I've even forgotten why I started writing this in the first place...

Well. Denial changes some people. I for one have changed. I have learned to be patient. Expect nothing, hurt a bit instead of a lot.

Yup... Expect nothing, hurt a bit instead of a lot...

Denial: "refusal to satisfy a request or desire" - Merriam Webster...